


I See You

by kerri240879



Category: Glee
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-08
Updated: 2012-01-08
Packaged: 2017-10-29 04:41:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/315940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kerri240879/pseuds/kerri240879
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Told from Quinn’s POV, as she watches the birth of a relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Title: I see you.

Author: Kerri.

Fandom: Glee.

Characters: Puck/Rachel.

Rating: Mature.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. I’m just using them for my own perverted sense of fun.

Feed back: Sure thing! Feedback is always helpful.

Summary: Told from Quinn’s POV, as she watches the birth of a relationship.

1/3.

I have done many things in my life that I regret. Falling pregnant at sixteen? That takes out the top position. I hurt Finn in a way that I don’t ever think he’ll recover from. He’d always had such an innocent out look on life, and in the time that it took for Rachel Berry to spill her guts, something inside Finn Hudson broke. I will never forgive myself for that - for seeing the pain in his eyes, and the heartbreak that was stamped all over his handsome face with crystal clarity. And even as Rachel offered up a less than convincing apology, I knew she was singing on the inside over her triumph. She had finally caused us to break up - and in that single action, she revealed herself for what she was.

She might act all sweet and innocent, but Rachel Berry doesn’t care who she has to step on to get what she wants. And she wanted Finn. Now that the truth was out, and the path was cleared, she was left facing the real reason why she had told him the truth; it bathed her in a less than flattering light. And when the dust cleared, she was left with shame in her eyes, and the boy she wanted walking away from her. She left me in tears and Puck with blood running from his mouth. And she was left to face the rest of the Glee club members, who all looked at her, as if she was just as awful as me and Puck.

I hurt Puck, when it all blew up in our faces, and I refused his offer of help and support. He knew in the end, that I was with him because Finn had left me. No other reason - he was the consolation prize in the drama that was my life, and at the time, I thought he was ok with it. I thought he was happy, because he finally got what he wanted - me. I didn’t realise how very wrong I was; I didn’t know how much I had hurt him, until it was too late. I don’t regret giving Beth up for adoption; I can barely take care of myself, let alone a baby, who is completely dependent upon me. Nevertheless, I regret hurting him.

I asked him, as we watched over our daughter, if he loved me. He admitted that he did, even more so now, having watched me go through birth. And as I watched him watch Beth, I came to the painful realization, that while he loved me, and always would, he wasn’t in love with me. And that there, is a major difference. I could see the pain on his face as he looked at Beth. I knew he didn’t want to give her up, but the papers were signed, and it wasn’t until months later, that I learned he’d never even gotten to hold her. And with that one mistake, any future I might have had with Puck was destroyed.

I went away with my Mum over the summer break, and when we returned for our Junior year, it took me several weeks to see the subtle changes in Puck. For one, he began to attend every class we had to together. And when I saw him hand in his homework for each class, it shocked me. Puck had cruised through Sophomore year on charm and athletic ability alone, yet here he was, working in class, and finishing each assignment handed to us. Don’t get me wrong, he was still Puck under it all. He still ruled by fear and size, but the changes I was seeing were making me regret calling him a loser.

I found myself watching him more often. He still slammed Jacob Israel into lockers. His penchant for profanity was rather disconcerting, and a small smirk still played across his lips most days. But more often than not, I saw him sitting out on the bleachers by himself during lunch. He still hooked up with girls at parties, and he still swaggered down the school halls, as if he owned the place. But there was a lingering air of sadness that clung to him now, that warred with the ‘talk to me, and you’ll fucking die’ aura that had coated him since middle school.

And when he strolled into the first Glee club practice and slumped down between Rachel and Matt, I could only stare at him. I hadn’t thought he’d come back to Glee, yet here was, guitar in hand, and a scowl on his face as Rachel chattered away beside him. Finn still wasn’t really talking to him over the lies we had told, and watching him as he nodded and chewed on his thumb as Rachel chattered, I felt the first real glimmer of guilt. Finn was finally talking to me, yet the friendship between the two boys was barely civil.

Several weeks into school, Mr. Schue set us an assignment, which would tear the image of ‘Puck’ apart in front of the whole Glee club. The assignment was simple - show your true self in a song. Tell us your story in words and music. No holds barred - be honest. Tell us how you really feel, tell us what you really think, and tell us what no one outside of Glee knows. Tell us what haunts you, what keeps you awake at night. In here, inside of Glee, no one will judge you. Let it be cathartic, so that when the last note dies, there are no longer any secrets within Glee club.

And in the afternoon session of Glee where we showed our true selves, he sat beside Rachel with a scowl on his face, and she spoke to him in hushed whispers while everyone else performed. Mr. Schue had to prod him into singing, and Puck shared one long, unreadable look with Rachel, before he stood up, guitar in hand, and sang Rest in Pieces by Saliva. He was an accomplished player, showing a musicality skill that shocked even Mr. Schue. But it was the choice of the song that first clued me into how much I had hurt him, and by the end of it, the silence in the room was deafening, and I was in tears.

And as I watched him, he looked at Rachel again, before he left the room as silently as he had entered it. Rachel took a deep breath before she stood up and levelled me with a single look, before she too, left the room. And I was left gasping softly as tears streamed down my face, because the look that she had levelled me with had spoken volumes. A scathing look, a look I had aimed her way daily for over two years. However, that look wasn‘t what caused the pain; it had been the look Puck had shared with Rachel after he’d finished that haunting song - he'd looked at Rachel, like he’d once looked at me. He had looked at her, as though her opinion mattered to him the most.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Watching Puck became a full time obsession. I knew his schedule backwards, and I made sure that we crossed paths as often as time would permit. I sat near him in the three classes we shared together, and tried to engage him in conversation. He’d grunt in reply, or answer in single, curt sentences. I tried waiting for him after school, but he was always gone by the time I reached the car park, or running solitary laps on the football field. And as the hours turned to days turned to weeks, I fantasized about cracking his armour, and healing his heart.

That fantasy came crashing down, one brick at a time, when I began to notice the little things I’d ignored until now. I had been so focused on watching Puck, that I hadn’t been watching who he socialised with. And that was another mistake I’d made. He sat with Rachel on the bleachers now to eat lunch, and they sat together in the three classes we shared. I had seen them leave Glee practice together more than a dozen times, but the significance of that never registered. I didn’t know when it had happened, but it was obvious that they had become friends. And when I sat behind them in Glee practice one afternoon, I saw something that shook me to the very foundation, and made me question everything.

Puck was sprawled all long legs and casual indifference in his chair beside Rachel, who was chatting away at a mile a minute. What caught my attention wasn’t the fact that his arm was resting along the back of her chair - he did that with every girl he sat beside. It was the fact that he was toying with the ends of her hair; he was winding those dark locks around his index finger slowly, before smoothing it out with his index finger and his thumb. I don’t think he even realised that he was doing it, but I noticed.

His fingers are long - long, calloused, and talented no matter what he used them for. And when those long fingers had trailed over my body, it had been sensual. I spent hours dreaming about that night. Yes, he had bought me wine coolers, but I’d been no-where near drunk. I could remember every single moment of that night - how it felt when he touched me, how it felt when he kissed me, and how he had looked down at me in wonder when we’d made love. The look on his face was seared into my brain, as was the ghost of his touch.

But watching him toy with her hair, it was more intimate than anything he’d done to my body, and I felt the first slow furl of jealousy uncoil deep in my belly, where our child had grown. And in that very moment, it didn’t matter that I’d made him lie, or that I’d hurt him as badly as I had. It didn’t matter that I’d made him sign the adoption papers, or that I’d called him a Lima Loser. He had no right to touch Rachel Berry, when he had told me that he loved me only months ago. And she had no right to lead Puck on, when she had finally done what she had set out to do - Finn was finally beginning to circle her.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Fall was nearly over, and winter was promising to hit Lima with pouring rain and snow. I sat in the library, and stared across the room at Rachel and Puck as they worked on some sort of assignment. He’d left the Mohawk off after he’d shaved his head, and he had a habit of running his hand over the back of his skull when he was frustrated. His hands are as wide as his fingers are long; such talented fingers and hands. And as I watched them, I saw that Puck was writing with one hand, while the other tapped out a frantic staccato on the tabletop.

Rachel was writing, and chewing on her lower lip as she bent over her books. But her eyes darted to his restless hand more than once, and when she finally dropped her pen in frustration, she reached out and put her hand over the top of his to still it. Puck’s eyes jerked towards her at her touch, his eyes narrowing in annoyance as she spoke in hushed tones. Puck’s jaw clenched as she spoke, before he seemed to relax into himself as she continued to look at him.

And as I watched them, as I stared at their hands, Puck twisted his slightly, so that his thumb skated across her knuckles. I had never seen Rachel stop talking and fall silent so effectively before. But he wasn’t letting go of her hand, and she wasn’t pulling hers away. They continued to stare at each other, as a faint blush began to stain Rachel’s cheeks. And when she suddenly stood up and hurried towards the bookshelves, Puck ran his hand over the back of his head, and tilted his head back as he closed his eyes.

I stood up and silently made my way towards his table. But before I could reach him, he too stood up, and headed in the direction Rachel had taken. I followed him at a safe distance, and when he ducked down one of the isles, I turned down the one before it, and made my way towards where I could see their shadows through the books. They spoke in hushed tones, but I could clearly hear them as I lingered near the books on Ancient Greece, my finger trailing along the spines as I watched them through the spaces between the shelves.

“The fuck, Rachel?”

His voice was filled with frustration and confusion, and just the tiniest hint of real anger, and I watched as he stood at her side with a clenched jaw and glittering eyes. Her shoulders seemed to drop, and her hair slid across her cheek as she lowered her eyes.

“We agreed, Noah…”

It was a plea and a reprimand, and Puck snorted softly as he shook his head.

“No, I never agreed, Rach. You talked and talked and talked, and I didn’t know what I was agreeing too when I said yes just to make you shut up. You talk and talk, and you never…. and you know I’m not one for words, that thoughts and actions are what I’m good at, and… and… fuck, Rach, it’s never gonna work out with you and Finn. You know that!”

She shook her head and looked up at him, her mouth twisting wryly as she spoke.

“He said that he loved me, Noah.”

Puck laughed bitterly, his mouth twisting into a sneer as he stared down at her.

“You never said it back,” he said finally, and Rachel sucked in a breath as she paled.

His eyes glittered with some sort of twisted satisfaction, and he lowered his head slightly so that his breath brushed over her face.

“You might have kissed him, Rach, and he might have said it, but here we are, dancing around each other. Again. And where’s Finn? Protecting his rep. Again. You‘ll always be the girl who knocked Quinn off her pedestal in Finn’s eyes, and you fucking know it.”

Rachel shook her head and glared up at him as she crossed her arms over her chest.

“No. We aren’t dancing, Noah. How would we work? You’re popular… I still get slushied. I dream of making it through the day without being accosted by a Cheerio. You’ve slept with their entire roster. Chalk and cheese, Noah. It’s bad enough that Finn treats me like a dirty little secret - I couldn’t let myself fall for you, only to have you roll off me and be out of the door before my heart beat was back to normal.”

Puck jerked back from her, as if she’d slapped him, and Rachel shook her head as her lips pursed.

“Beside, you still have to resolve your feelings for Quinn,” she said softly, and Puck laughed bitterly.

“Been there. Tapped that.”

It was snarled out, and I slapped my hand over my mouth as Rachel’s eyes widened, and she let out a brittle laugh.

“And that right there, Noah? That’s why I won’t let you back in as anything more than a friend. Because you were in love with her. You loved her….”

“….And she treated me like Finn treats you,” Puck broke in coldly, cutting her words off with one simple sentence. “She treated me like an afterthought, Rachel, like a fucking consolation prize. Couldn’t have the one she wanted, so she’d settle with the one who would have treated her like a fucking queen if she hadn‘t been so damn busy looking at me like I‘d deliberately set out to destroy her life. I told her that night… it wasn’t just another hook up for me. And she treated me like it hadn’t happened.”

Rachel reached out for him, only to have him jerk back from her with a sound akin to a hiss; it was almost as if he was scared her touch would scald. Rachel’s hand hung in the air, and her lips trembled once, as Puck began to back away from her.

“Finn Hudson, hmm? He had Quinn, yet she gave into me. Now he has you…. How long do you really think it’d take me, Rach, if you were nothin’ more to me, than a piece of ass?”

He continued to back away, and when Rachel took a step towards him, he froze her in place with nothing more than a single look.

“You asked me once, why I continue to hook up with random girls, if I had feelings for you.”

The bitterness in his voice cut through the air, and Rachel flinched at the same time as I did.

“Why?” she whispered, and he snorted.

“Sure as shit beats being alone, and watching you and Finn do the fucking mating dance around one another. You’re just like Quinn, Berry. I know how I make you feel. You know how I make you feel. But you’re too fucking scared to do anything about it, because of what others might think.”

“Noah…”

“Nuh… Stay the fuck away from me, Berry. You’re better at head games than Quinn is, and I don‘t need to be skull fucked again.”

“We’re meant to be friends, Noah!” she cried, and Puck shrugged as he walked away.

“We weren’t friends before. We aren’t friends now.”

Rachel literally caved into herself at his words, her arms wrapping around herself as she slid down the bookshelves and sat in a crumpled little heap on the floor. And on the other side of the bookshelves, I mirrored her position. The bitterness in his voice when he’d spoken about me echoed in my mind, and when I could finally breathe again, I pushed myself up and did something I’d sworn I’d never do again - I fled.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The forlorn sound of the piano echoed throughout the auditorium, as I sat huddled in the shadows above her, where I had once stood with Ms. Sylvester and Santana. Rachel looked shattered as she sat on the bench seat, and for the first time in my life, I felt bad for her. I knew just how magnetic Puck could be, especially when he focused his whole attention on you. I’d missed it somehow - I’d missed the moment he’d decided that Rachel was the one he wanted. And while I wanted to hate her for hurting him, I was in no position to judge, when what I’d done was so much worse.

I wanted to go to her; to talk to her, and maybe offer some kind of advice, but I knew that it would be unwelcome. Rachel was still abrasive and annoying, but there was an air of solidarity to her now, that had come about after Vocal Adrenalin had egged her right before Regional’s. That’s when Rachel had stopped being a robot for me, and had become human. And as that thought filtered through my mind, it hit me. Puck’s reaction back then hadn’t only been concern. He’d been angry. And as I thought about it, I remembered that I’d heard he’d also removed the list of mine from Rachel’s locker.

Nursing that new knowledge, I continue to watch Rachel play. And as I watched her, I saw Puck step slowly out of the shadows, and cross the stage. When he reached her side, he turned around and sat beside her at the piano. They remained silent, as the notes continued to play. And when the song started over again, Rachel began to sing. She sang clearly and strongly, and as his voice joined hers mid-song, I felt the tears that choked Rachel’s voice begin to slide down my own face.

When the last note died, Puck turned towards her, his gaze steady on her until she finally lifted her eyes to his. And as they stared at each other, I began to realise something myself. This wasn’t just attraction between them, or the fear of being hurt, or hurting others. It was real, and it was thick in the air, and when Puck slowly leaned towards her, Rachel closed her eyes as a soft sob slipped from her lips and echoed between them.

The kiss they shared was sweet and chaste, and it spoke volumes. It wasn’t designed to entice lust or desire - it was an apology, and a plea, and words unspoken as his hand came up to slide over her hair. And when it ended, when Puck lifted his mouth from hers, he pulled her across the seat and into his arms as Rachel covered her face and began to cry. And I was left feeling like a voyeur - like I had witnessed something pure, and it left me feeling like if I spoke or breathed, the moment would be tainted, and something within them would shatter.

Rest in Pieces - Saliva ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ I see you - Mika.


	2. Chapter 2

2/3.

Winter hit Lima with a vengeance, and with it came snow and freezing winds. It also showed the thickening tension between Puck and Rachel. I watched them both now - how could I not, when Puck was constantly touching her? Casual, fleeting touches, that I knew I was seeing, only because I looked for them. He toyed with her hair, and he toyed with her fingers. Her hands were dainty, and when surrounded by his, they looked almost like a child’s. They sat together in class and at lunch, now that the snow had driven them inside. He drove her to and from school, and supported her elbow as they crossed the icy parking lot.

I didn’t understand it - how could people not see what was going on? It wasn’t like they were hiding their friendship, if you could call it that. The more I watched them though, the closer I saw them grow. Christmas and New Year came and went, and a party was organised at Brittany’s house, before we returned for the rest of the school year. When I arrived, Puck was just pulling his truck up onto the footpath. I saw his taillights flash once, and then he hopped out and headed towards the front door, as I cursed him silently for being so god-damn fascinating.

There were people everywhere when I went inside, and I soon lost sight of Puck as I met up with Mercedes and Kurt. There were people laughing and joking together. The music was a few decibels too loud, but it didn’t matter as people danced together. They swayed and laughed, and for a select few, they used dancing as a prelude to sex. Stepping from the lounge room into the games room, I saw that Matt and Mike were sitting in front of the theatre projector, playing some sort of shoot them up and kill each other type game, while Tina sat on Artie’s knee and watched.

I found Finn, Brittany and Santana in the kitchen, laughing and teasing each other, while some of the younger Cheerio’s looked on. Brittany caught sight of us and squealed as she bounced over to us to say hello. I looked past her to Santana, who was smiling at her fondly, and raised an eyebrow. Santana pushed away from the kitchen bench and joined us, her fingers tangling with Brittany’s as Brittany continued to bounce and talk a mile a minute to Kurt and Mercedes. And for one brief moment, when Santana and I locked eyes, the past hadn’t happened, and we were still really good friends.

“She’s had one soda too many,” Santana said by way of greeting, and she gently tugged Brittany away from us with a wave.

The hours flew by, and the party began to dwindle down. I needed to use the bathroom, and excused myself as Mercedes and Kurt talked fashion, school, and the up coming Valentines Day Prom. Winding my way through the people who were lingering in the lounge room, I headed up the dimly lit stairs, and made my way into the bathroom. And when I collided with Finn as I came back out into the hallway, he grabbed my arms to stop me falling. For one long moment, the last year hadn’t happened, and we smiled at each other easily. However, reality soon intruded, and he let me go and took a step back from me in silence.

Tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, I turned towards the stairs as he entered the bathroom. I took a deep breath as he closed the door behind me, and as I stepped away from the bathroom, I saw Puck back Rachel up onto the landing in the turn of the stairs below me. They were facing each other, and speaking in quite tones. Puck braced his arm against the wall, and even as I watched, he was reaching out and picking up a glimmer of gold jewellery that lay in the dip of Rachel’s throat.

“Why the hell do you wanna go to Prom for anyhow, Rach?”

His voice was lazy, as were his fingertips as they trailed over the fine bones of her clavicle. A small smile played across his lips as Rachel’s eyes fluttered shut. His smile became a full blown grin when she took a deep breath and forced her eyes open, the prim tone in her voice causing his eyes to dance with laughter, and his shoulders to shake with it.

“Because Prom is a rite of passage, Noah, one that all young girls go through. It is a chance to dress up; to experience a formal event, one that will give me knowledge for when I am getting ready to attend award shows, and gala evenings!”

Puck snorted softly.

“It’s a chance for the Cheerio’s to squabble over who is going to be Queen, and which lucky few will be in her court. It’s a chance for them to show the rest of you up, and a chance to have an awesome after party. You wanna dance and party, I’ll take you wherever you wanna go. But I ain’t gonna wear a monkey suit, Rach, and parade around like some living Ken doll. Besides, they don‘t make corsages out of tiger lilies, so my chances of getting you one, are like nil and zip.”

I dimly heard the door behind me open, and the sharp intake of breath as Rachel reached up and stilled Puck’s hand as his thumb slid across the smooth skin between her breasts. I was torn between looking over my shoulder at Finn, and watching it unfold in front of me. My decision was made when Rachel took a small step towards Puck’s, and looked up at him. Puck’s eyelashes lowered slightly, and when Rachel’s tongue darted out to wet her bottom lip, Puck lowered his head slowly towards hers. But when she lifted her chin, Finn pushed past me, his voice raised above the music below us, and tinged with desperation.

“Hey, Rachel! Where have you been all night?”

Puck straightened up at the sound of Finn’s voice, his eyes narrowing slightly as Rachel turned to look up at Finn.

“Talking with Noah about Prom,” she finally said, and tucked her hair behind her ear as Finn pushed passed me to join Puck and Rachel on the stairs.

Finn took a quick look at Puck, and then he turned to look at Rachel. His voice and whole demeanour was awkward; it was as if he was having a hard time making the thoughts in his head compute to his mouth, so they would come out how he wanted them to.

“You wanna… come talk for a bit? I wanted to… to ask you something.”

Rachel smile automatically, but didn’t move from where she was standing.

“What did you want to talk about, Finn?” she asked politely, and when Finn saw that she wasn’t going to move from Puck’s side anytime soon, he screwed his hands into fists and blurted it out.

“Do you wanna maybe come to Prom with me?”

You could have knocked her over with a feather; her face paled, and her eyes widened, and for the first time in a long time, I was treated to the sight of Rachel being stunned into silence. Puck’s eyes narrowed dangerously, and when Rachel began to stammer, his temper erupted in a vicious sweep of words.

“Prom blows anyway, Rach. The only thing I like about Prom, is the knowledge that I‘ll get laid at the after party,” he snarled.

He shoved himself away from the wall in the surprised silence that followed, and disappeared into the lounge room, leaving Rachel staring after him, and Finn with a look of confusion on his face. And as Rachel’s eyes began to glimmer, she mumbled her excuses and bolted. Finn stared after her, and I rolled my eyes as I hurried down the stairs past him, and in the general direction Rachel had taken. When I entered the lounge room, Puck was lounging in the recliner, with some random Cheerio standing between his spread legs.

Our eyes met, and I saw the defiance in those troubled green eyes as we stared at each other. But our staring contest was broken when Puck reached out and ran the tip of his finger up the back of the Cheerio’s thigh. A slow down stroke to the back of her knee, where he curled his whole hand around her leg. It was on the upstroke, that he took his hand on a lazy journey beneath the girl’s skirt. And with that one, long stroke of his hand on bare flesh, I saw the triumphant misery in his eyes, as Rachel pushed past me and disappeared into the kitchen.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The gulf that had formed from a misunderstanding and mutual fears was miles wide by the time Prom itself rolled around just over two weeks later. The gulf was tainted with misery, and choked with tears, as forlorn looks and wounded pride took centre stage over gossamer gowns and corsages that would never come to life. Songs sounded listless, as Rachel fought back tears in the face of Puck’s deliberate and callous decision to ignore her, while Puck’s growing anger and frustration at Rachel’s ignorance to his true feelings waved like a red flag at a bull. I could have slapped the back of both of their heads.

Prom itself was a mockery of silver cardboard hearts that glittered under the lights, and pale blue balloons and streamers that covered the roof of the school gym. I sat with Matt, who had asked me to attend Prom with him several weeks earlier. He was a good friend, one who hadn’t really taken sides with the whole baby gate thing, and who had supported all three main players in the drama that had been my life.

That was the good thing about Matt - he didn’t see me like an easy lay, and I didn’t see him as a potential boyfriend. We’d accidentally kissed one night at an after game party during a session of suck and blow, and we’d both been squicked out over it. He was good at the friend/date thing, and we spent the night giggling over some truly heinous dresses, and gossiping like a couple of girlfriends. And when I saw Rachel walk in alone, I heard his soft whistle of admiration at her bravery, and heard him mutter something about Puck that was lost in the sudden squeal behind us, as Brittany launched herself into the seat beside me.

I watched Rachel as she sat with Kurt and Mercedes; watched her as she smiled politely at the people who walked past her giggling at her lack of date. And when Finn walked in with Santana, I saw how uncomfortable he was, when he caught sight of Rachel, and she caught sight of him. I didn’t want to see her sit there, on a night like tonight, while everyone else danced and laughed. But before I could say anything, Matt was blowing out a harsh breath, standing up and holding his hand out to me.

That was how I found myself sitting with Rachel on Prom night, and laughing softly as Matt and Kurt remembered their dance performance on the football field, and Mercedes told them that they were an embarrassment to Beyonce and the female power houses of the world. Even Rachel managed a smile, and when Matt stood up and asked her to dance, because he couldn’t handle being dissed for his dance skills anymore, I could have kissed him. It was so easy for him - the effortless friendliness that he possessed, and as he led her away, he winked at me over his shoulder. Kurt and Mercedes leaned towards each other with a theatrical sigh, and when I looked at them, Kurt shrugged.

“If only he was gay,” he explained, and Mercedes nodded in agreement.

“I’d be his sugar mama in a heart beat,” she said, and Kurt snorted.

“Darling, you’d be too sweet as a sugar mama - you’d end up giving him a tooth ache,” he said as he adjusted his hat, and I choked on my drink.

All three of us ended up laughing and watching as Matt danced with Rachel and finally managed to get her to laugh. We danced and giggled and gossiped. I watched as Rachel danced with Mike, and with Kurt, and the three of us saw her discomfort when Finn danced with her and pulled her closer to him than she wanted to be. But once again Matt rode to the rescue, and he spun Brittany into Finn’s arms, as he pulled Rachel into his own. And with a snap of his chin, he led her in an exaggerated tango march across the floor, that had her laughing helplessly, and Kurt and I near tears ourselves when he dipped her so low over his arm, that her hair brushed the floor.

It was Matt who saw what I had been seeing all along, when he whistled softly as we swayed together. And when I looked in the direction he was staring in, we shared an indulgent smile, and watched it all unfold together. He’d always looked good in a suit, even if he did look uncomfortable while wearing it. Black suit, black shirt unbuttoned at the throat, and no tie - pure Puck. He was leaning against the wall, with his hands in his pockets, and his head lowered towards Rachel‘s as she stood next to him. But past pain and future fears has her arms folded and her eyes trained on the floor, as she hunched into herself, as if to ward off the next blow.

“So that’s how it is.”

Matt murmured it in my ear, and I hummed softly in agreement as Puck reached out and cupped Rachel’s chin in his hand. And when she finally peeked up at him from under her eyelashes, Matt and I gave up all pretences of pretending to dance, and simply stood together as Puck drew Rachel away from the wall and into his arms. Even from where I was standing, I could see the sheen of tears that had Rachel’s eyes glittering as she looked up into Puck’s steady gaze; he never looked away as they swayed together - he simply took her hand in his, and lifted it to rest against his chest.

It was only when Rachel lowered her head to his chest, that Matt and I resumed our own swaying. But like me, Matt was unable to stop watching them. So we both saw Puck lower his own head, to rest his cheek against the crown of Rachel’s head. We both saw his arms tighten around her. And when his lips began to move, as he murmured the lyrics of the song that was playing, Matt shrugged slightly, and finally looked away as if to afford them the privacy that the moment deserved.

I watched them for a moment longer though - and as Puck began to skim his fingers up and down the centre of Rachel’s spine, Matt looked back towards them. His gaze was soft, and a small smile played across his face as he glanced at me and shook his head slightly.

“Never thought I’d see it,” he murmured, and when I raised an eyebrow in question, he gestured towards Puck and Rachel with a tilt of his head.

“Never thought I’d see Puck take the fall.”

“The fall?” I asked, and Matt hummed softly.

“Hmm… never thought it’d be Rachel either - I figured he’d always love you.”

I snapped my gaze back towards the couple in question, and tried to see what Matt was seeing. I knew he cared about her - that much was blindingly obvious. But love? Puck didn’t do love. Lust, attraction, and caring, sure - but love? I tried to ignore the little voice in my head that was whispering that Puck had loved me, but try as I might, it was getting louder. But then Puck lifted his head, and smoothed the width of his palm over Rachel’s shoulder blades, and I felt my heart take a heavy blow. Because Rachel lifted her head at his touch, and looked up into his eyes, and I saw something that I had been blind too until that very moment - he was in love with Rachel, and it written all over his face.

I’d been waiting for some grand gesture; for some public declaration. I’d been waiting to see a kiss shared at school, or their initials entwined on Rachel’s folders. That’s how I’d known about Puck and Santana, and how Finn and I had been. But it wasn’t them - it wasn‘t Puck or Rachel. I’d seen the signs in a burst of jealousy from Puck, over a Prom invitation that had been politely turned down. In the tears that had choked Rachel’s voice when she sung about hurt feelings and unrequited love, while Puck had been unable to meet her gaze. In Puck removing a Glist from her locker to save her from humiliation, and his rage at Jessie’s treatment of her.

I’d seen it in the looks that they shared. In the way he couldn’t seem to stop touching her, and the way he had started attending school. In the song he whispered in her ear, as he held her close. In the way she couldn’t look away from him, and the look on her face as he continued to sing softly. And in the way her eyes fluttered shut and the way her head rested against his chest as he dragged the tips of his fingers slowly down her spine again. And in seeing it the way Matt saw it, I was left blinking back tears, and closing my own eyes, as the boy I had hurt more than any other, finally found the answer in Rachel’s eyes that he had been seeking.

Blood Stream by Stateless.


	3. Chapter 3

3/3.

If I thought that I’d see gross displays of public affection, I was sorely disappointed. I saw Puck walking with Rachel - his arm draped casually around her shoulders, or her hand tucked through the crook of his arm. But I’d seen that numerous times before. I saw them sit together in class, but that was nothing new either. Nor were the whispered conversations between them, or the easy way Puck brushed his lips over the crown of her head. I’d seen all that. That was them - and I found myself as fascinated with them as I had always been.

Yes, I saw gentle brushings of his lips across hers between classes, but nothing that screamed ‘get a room!’ The days turned into weeks, and the girls still glared at Rachel, for taking Puck off the market. And when the weeks finally turned into a three-month relationship, the gossip turned to speculation as to whether or not they were having sex. Rachel wasn’t talking, and after Puck punched Finn out for having the gall to even ask, people left them alone.

And as the days heated, and the school year ended, Puck and Rachel finished their Junior year, with the solid reputation as one of McKinley’s powerhouse couples. Puck hadn’t hooked up with any girls since well before Prom, and no one dared to call him a pussy for dating Rachel. He didn’t hide their relationship, but that being said, he didn’t flaunt it either. And when I saw Finn leaning against Rachel’s locker and talking to Puck, I knew that Finn was finally seeing what I saw, and that he had finally forgiven Puck for last year.

As a group, we socialized together a fair bit over the summer vacation before our Senior year. Shopping trips with the girls, and lazy afternoons spent watching the boys shoot hoops. Barbeques down by the lake, and pool parties at Santana’s. It was at a small pool party at Rachel’s own home that I finally saw a kiss that lingered. But even then, it certainly hadn’t been meant to be viewed.

I’d arrived a little earlier than the designated time, with the ready excuse that I wanted to help set up. The truth of the matter was, I wanted to see where Rachel lived. How she was within the privacy of her own home, in the safety of the family nest. And when I arrived, it didn’t surprise me to see Puck’s truck parked on the driveway. No one answered my knock, but when I peeked through the side gate that led to the backyard, I could hear soft laughter and splashing, so I let myself in.

The others in our group must have felt the same way I did, because Finn, Matt, Mike, Tina and Artie were already there. And as I opened the back gate, Mercedes and Kurt were pulling up behind Santana and Brittany. I found Rachel in the kitchen stirring a bowl of dip, and a surprising arrangement of fruit and raw vegetables on a platter. We exchanged greetings, and she thanked me for the salad I’d brought with me, before I found myself ushered into the backyard, where Puck was heating up the grill, while chatting with the others.

The afternoon wound down into early evening, and the others began to slowly gather up their belongings. When only Matt and I remained, that we too, said our good byes, and walked out the front. We talked for several minutes, before heading our separate ways with plans to meet up the following afternoon. It was only when I was sitting in the car that I realized I’d left my towel by the pool. Sighing in frustration, I got out the car, and slipped back through the gate, only to stop in my tracks.

They were in the pool together: Rachel was backing away from Puck, while laughing helplessly as he advanced on her. However, it was the look of satisfaction on his face that caught my attention. His bottom lip was caught between his teeth, while a predatory gaze darkened his features as he backed her into the corner at the shallow end of the pool. And when he boxed her into the corner with his arms, her laughter died away as he said her name in a thick voice. They stared at each other for a long moment, before he said her name again and pulled her into his arms.

Puck had kissed me before - that was no secret. But he’d never kissed me like that. He’d never kissed me, as if he was a man starving for oxygen. But that’s how he kissed Rachel. He slid his fingers through her hair, causing the wet strands to twine around his fingers like rope, while he bound her closer to him with his free arm. And when Rachel slid her hands up his arms, and scrapped her nails across the back of his neck, his rough groan echoed in the sudden silence of the backyard.

With that groan, he was hitching her up into his arms, and cradling her bottom in his hands as he braced her against the edge of the pool. And braced there, Rachel tilted her head back, as he rained nips and kisses down the side of her throat to her clavicle, where her breath hitched. And it was that loud hitch in her breath that had him lifting his head. And as quickly as it had started, it was ending, and he was easing Rachel out of his arms, and moving a few steps away from her with a soft laugh.

“Fuck…”

It was breathed out, and he shook his head as Rachel smoothed her hands over her hair. Puck gestured to the steps of the pool, and then reached down to adjust himself.

“You’d better head inside, Rach.”

Rachel frowned and took a step towards him, only to pause when he rubbed his hands over the back of his head, and then dragged them down over his face.

“Noah…”

“If you stay, Rach, I’m gonna fucking eat you alive,” he muttered. “If you stay, I’m gonna kiss you again. If I kiss you again, I’m gonna forget that I need to wait. I’m gonna forget that you aren‘t ready, and I’m gonna break you in half when I fuck you. So go. I’ll be in to help you clean up soon. I just need a minute.”

Rachel nodded as Puck turned his back on her, and laced his fingers together behind his neck.

“Noah?”

Puck turned to face her as she lowered her eyes, and began to twist her fingers together

“Daddy always said that a smart girl took precautions when it came to sex. That it shouldn’t be left up to her partner to make her safe, or to safe guard against pregnancy. He said that a real man wouldn’t push her into anything she didn’t want to do. That when I was ready to give myself to someone, that I had to make sure I was ready, that it was what we both wanted.“

Rachel licked her lips slowly as Puck tilted his head slightly, before he crossed over to her. In that dying light, her hand shook as she held it out to him, and Puck’s face tightened slightly with concern as he took her hand.

“I’ve waited nearly six months, Rach… You know I said I wouldn’t push, and I haven’t,” he said in a low voice, and Rachel nodded as she tucked her hair behind her ear.

“I know. I went to the…. I’m on the pill, Noah… I have been for a couple of weeks now.”

Her voice shook as she made her admittance, and he reached out to skim the backs of his knuckles over her jaw briefly.

“If you’d said that to me back in Sophomore year, I’d have had you on your back so fast your head would have spun,” he said finally. “But…. fuck, I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but no, Rach. Not tonight,” he muttered, and Rachel flinched.

“Don’t you want me?” she whispered, and Puck swore harshly as he reached out and jerked her into his arms.

“Fuck… of course I want you! I just don’t want you to have sex with me, Rach, because it’s what you think you should do. I want you to have sex with me, because it’s what you want.”

He cupped her face in his hands, and tilted her head back as his eyes searched her face. Rachel nodded slowly, and then reached up and brushed a chaste kiss over his lips, before burrowing her head into the dip of his shoulder as his arms tightened around her. And as they stood there holding each other, I slowly slipped away as a new picture of their relationship cemented itself in my mind.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Our Senior year started out quietly. There were whispers of disappointment, when Puck strolled in on our first day, with his arm tossed casually across Rachel’s shoulders. Whispers of jealousy, and whispers of curiosity. Those whispers ran rampant through the halls of McKinley High, and through the Glee club as well. And when the Senior class were given their class rings, all eyes were trained on Puck’s hand for weeks, as the students wondered if and when his ring would grace Rachel’s hand.

The gossipers were too busy looking in the wrong place though - they never saw the dainty pink sapphire necklace that rested so gracefully below the dip of Rachel‘s throat. The jewel was a vibrant pink, fashioned into the shape of a heart, and given to Rachel on their six month anniversary. Mercedes dragged that admission from Rachel in our first Glee practice of the year. As Mercedes retold the story to the rest of us, she emphasized that Rachel had blushed as she confirmed that it had indeed come from Puck - I was left with the silent knowledge of what she had likely given to him. And then one Monday morning, I got the confirmation that I’d been watching for.

I’d often thought that Rachel would smell like flowers or freshly baked cookies or something equally kittenish. I learned I was wrong, when we were partnered up for an assignment in English. Rachel Berry smells like soap, and some sort of subtle body lotion. But it wasn‘t the scent of lotion that I could smell on her, as I sat beside her in class - it was the stronger, clean scent of the ocean. And as the crisp scent of Puck’s soap filled my nose, Puck walked into class, and paused to brush his lips over Rachel’s in greeting. And in watching that greeting, I saw Puck’s eyes flicker shut momentarily over the top of Rachel‘s head, as he breathed in deeply.

With his eyes shut, his feelings were written all over his face. He liked smelling his soap on Rachel, in the way that a man likes smelling his scent on a woman after sex. The look on his face spoke volumes - it was territorial, speaking of a deeper feeling than just love. It was satisfaction and desire and contentment and the deeply seated knowledge that he had possessed her completely. But then he was drifting away, and Rachel turned back to face me. And when our eyes met, that knowledge was confirmed in the delicately stained color of her cheeks.

We continued to stare at each other, until the teacher spoke suddenly and the moment was broken. Rachel bent her head back over her book, and even though I did the same, my mind was traveling back and forth between time and place. I couldn’t help the thoughts that filtered through my mind, even as I internally recoiled from them. The thought of her experiencing what I once had…. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. Sadness. Happiness. Jealousy. Regret. Relief. Pain.

Had she been slightly drunk on wine coolers and a healthy dose of self pity too? And when that thought flittered through my mind, I flinched at my own pettiness. I knew that he loved her, that he loved her enough to have waited. I couldn’t see him doing rose petals and candle light. But I could see him taking his time. Slowly mapping out each centimeter of skin that was revealed to him, first with his fingers, and then with his lips. Had chills broken out over her body, at the feeling of those calloused fingertips gliding over skin that had never been touched before? Had she shivered, at the forbidden thrill of teeth scraping over her hip bones?

Had she seen just how dark the color green could be, as he’d sucked his bottom lip between his teeth, and stared down at her through barely opened eyes? Had he paused to brush her hair back over her head, after that first initial moment of pain? Had she experienced any pain, or had she been with him in that moment? Had his groan sounded as if it had been torn from the pit of his stomach, as he’d pressed slightly sloppy kisses to her shoulder and throat as he’d lost himself in her? How had she felt, with his full weight pressing her down into the mattress, and his breath ghosting over her skin?

I swallowed thickly, to fight back the bile that was threatening to rise into my throat. And in swallowing, I also fought back tears, as I raised my hand and asked for a bathroom pass. Once inside the girl’s bathrooms, I locked myself in the toilet, and gave way to what I was feeling. Puck’s words from the library floated back to me, and sent a new wave of tears streaming down my cheeks. I had thought that he’d always be there, waiting for me to make up my mind. That he’d still want me, after all that we’d shared. And in my treatment of him, I’d sent him into the arms of another girl. And as much as I wanted to hate Rachel for that, I knew that I only had myself to blame.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

My own private epiphany/pity party opened my eyes. And in opening my eyes, I took a long, hard look at myself in the mirror. And for the first time since I had first become pregnant, I didn’t like what I saw looking back at me. And after spending most of the weekend deep in thought, I finally came to the conclusion that I needed to apologize to Puck for how I had treated him, so that I could move on. The thought of that, of how he was going to react, made me feel sick. But the knowledge that I had had made him feel worse, was what had me knocking on his front door just after nine on a Sunday morning.

His sister Sarah answered the door, and when she saw me, her face became carefully blank. Seeing that look on her face, and knowing that I’d seen it on Puck’s numerous times before, had me smiling politely. Even though Sarah was only thirteen, there was a closeness between her and Puck, that had been born due their mother working night shift, and Puck raising Sarah from an early age. And upon seeing that look on Sarah’s face, I knew the younger Puckerman wasn’t ignorant to what had happened between her brother and me.

“Hi, Sarah. Is Puck home?”

Her nose wrinkled slightly, and her voice was cool when she answered.

“Puck? Noah’s home, Quinn. But Puck? He doesn’t live here anymore.”

I licked my lips, and tried not to flinch at the unforgiving look I was receiving out of eyes the same shade and shape as her brothers.

“All right… Is… is Noah home?”

Noah. It felt strange on my tongue. He’d always been Puck to me. But Sarah had tilted her head, and a strange smile toyed with the corners of her lips for a moment, before she shrugged and pulled the door open a little wider.

“He’s upstairs in his room. Mama worked last night, so watch it on the fourth step. She’s sleeping.”

I nodded as I slipped past her, but while I headed up the stairs, I wondered at the small smirk that had played across her lips as she’d flounced back to the living room, where MTV was playing at a subdued level. Puck’s door was ajar, and when I pushed it open, it only took a second for my eyes to adjust to the darkened room. And when they adjusted, I knew what the smirk on Sarah’s face had been for, and I silently applauded her direct yet subtle slap at me.

Puck and Rachel were still asleep in bed, with the covers kicked half off as they lay curled together. I’d lived with Puck for three months before I moved in with Mercedes. I’d shared a bed with him the entire time. He’d slept on his back, and had made no move to touch me each night. It had been like sleeping with a brother - purely platonic. He had his side of the bed and I’d had mine, and there had been an invisible line drawn down the centre of those crisp white sheets, that neither one of us dared cross.

But here, in the warmth of his room, he didn’t sleep on his back. He slept curled around her, and she wore him like a second skin. Her head was cradled by the dip of his shoulder, and her body was surrounded by his. His arms were wrapped around her, and the fingers of his left hand were tucked under the waist band of her pajama pants. But more than that, it was the look of peace on his face, even as he pressed it into the mass of dark hair that spilled across the pillows.

My eyes drifted to Rachel, who was so small compared to him. Her hand was curled up towards her face, her fingers curled around his arm as it crossed her chest. And while I watched them, Rachel shifted, as if feeling the weight of my scrutiny even in her sleep. She frowned, huffed, and rolled over. Puck’s arms tightened momentarily, before he loosened them, allowing her to shift. And when she buried her nose in his chest, his arms tightened back around her as he snuffled softly.

I don’t know what was worse: seeing them like this, as innocent as it was, due to the pink pajama bottoms that Rachel wore, that had bright yellow ducks marching all over them. Or knowing that they’d had sex the night before, if the torn and empty condom wrappers on the floor were anything to go by. I backed away silently, and made my way down the stairs. But as I went to open the door, Sarah said my name quietly, and I turned back to face those cool green eyes.

“Did you want me to tell Noah that you stopped by?” she asked, and I shook my head slowly.

Her lips tilted into a crooked smile, yet the coolness of her eyes didn’t warm. And as I made my way home, I managed a small smile myself, as I thought about Sarah. William McKinley High would be in for a shock, when the younger Puckerman began to walk its halls, while the ghost of her older brother’s reputation kept her safe from slushy facials, and the meanness of the girls who would wear the Cheerio’s uniform. And as that thought filtered through, I came to a standstill, and winced. His reputation, would keep her safe, from girls like me.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

The school year slowly came closer and closer to Graduation. And as it did, I still watched them. I saw the small moments, the big moments, and all of those in between. The kisses between class, and the light that lit up Rachel’s eyes when she found the single pink rose in her locker on their one year anniversary. And on that day, Puck’s class ring found its way onto Rachel’s hand. I saw his direct way of calming her down when stress took its toll, and she became ‘Scary Crazy Rachel’ or SCR for short. And I saw the way she could defuse his temper with nothing more than a stroke of her fingers across that stubborn jaw. I saw their love.

I also saw their joy, as their plans for the future began to solidify after they were both accepted into the New School, in New York City. I don’t think any of us, except for Rachel and Mr. Schue, knew that Puck had even applied. But that well guarded secret showed why Puck had changed his ways last year, and had begun to apply himself to his school work. And when he walked in and handed Rachel a letter with a boyish grin on his face, we all saw her scream, and then throw herself at him as her words ran into each other in her excitement.

And as quickly as that, we had graduated and we were gathering at Rachel’s home to wave them off after a noisy breakfast of pancakes and syrup. And as the car backed out of the drive way, my eyes met Puck’s and for one moment, I felt the excitement that he did. And then they were gone. Standing in the warm morning sun, surrounded by my fellow gleeks, I didn’t know that I wouldn’t see them again for another four years, and that when I did, the pain I felt as I waved good-bye to them, would pale in comparison.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

As the years drifted past, we scattered towards our different futures. I headed to Virginia for school, and left my past behind me as I did. I concentrated on school, and made some new friends. I tried dating, but the ghosts from my past held me back. But being away from Lima let me gain strengths in other areas, and during my second year of school, I finally let go of the past, and looked towards my own future. But I heard snippets of information on the others through Matt and Santana. I heard more through Kurt and Mercedes.

Whispers of how Finn and Brittany had discovered each other, and had fallen in love. Murmurs of how Artie and Tina had broken up, and made up, only to break up once more, when Tina and Mike fell in love at Asian camp. And tales of how well Puck was doing at school. How he had left behind the boy I had called a Lima Loser, and was going from strength to strength. He was excelling in musical composition. And he and Rachel were as strong as ever.

Phone calls filled with gossip, as Rachel found her feet in New York, where bitchy cheerleaders were a thing of the past, as was being called man-hands, and being Slushied daily. Surprise evident in Santana’s voice, when she called to tell me that Rachel and Puck had moved in together, in some shitty little apartment in Soho. And four years later, Matt drove down to tell me face-to-face, that Puck and Rachel were headed back to Lima after they graduated - they wanted to come home.

Four years is a long time when you think about it. I had kept Puck in my mind as he’d been when I’d last seen him - the boy I had watched during high-school. But reality has a way of slapping your face when you least expect it too, and when we gathered at Santana’s for a barbeque, I saw how wrong my memories really were, when I walked in and saw the group all together for the first time in four years.

Puck was talking to Finn, as Finn grilled burgers and nodded. And as I drank the sight of Puck in, I followed his arm down, which was wrapped around Rachel, who stood in front of him. And in that moment, time ground to a stand still for me, and I saw the reason why they had wanted to come home. Because although his arm was wrapped around Rachel, it was his left hand that held all my attention. His hand, that was idly moving over the gentle curve of Rachel’s belly, while a simple gold band glinted dully on his ring finger.

I don’t know how long I stood there staring. But when a hand took mine, I looked up into Matt’s sympathetic eyes, and saw the knowledge that shone in them as he gently tugged me away. And when he wrapped his arms around me, he whispered that Rachel was six months pregnant. They had gotten married in New York three months ago, and were planning on holding a simple ceremony at home for their family and friends.

I can’t tell you what I ate that night, or what else we spoke and laughed about. But I can tell you this. Puck was happy. It was evident in every word he spoke, and every gesture that he made. And as I made my excuses and left, I was barely able to hold it together. I made it as far as the driveway before my name was called, and I turned back to see Rachel standing there, her hands curved around her belly, and a strange expression on her face as she made her way towards me. And standing there, she reached out to me, and apologized.

That was the reality slap that I needed. What did she have to apologize for? But then it hit me, as a memory of her and Puck in the library flashed to the front of my mind. Of Rachel telling Puck that he needed to sort out his feelings for me, and how they hadn’t gotten together for nearly a year after that. She’d put aside what she felt for him, because of me. She’d waited, because she’d known I loved him. And if he’d turned to me back then, she would have put aside how she felt, and let him go.

I saw sympathy and the fear of rejection in her eyes as she waited for me to speak. To accept her apology for what it was, or to reject her offer of what I really needed. And when I reached out and laid my hand on the gentle curve of her stomach, I felt movement, and grinned at her. Tears of knowledge swam in my eyes, when she lifted her hand and covered mine. I finally realized that for all the time I had spent watching Puck, Rachel had been watching me.


End file.
